there's nothing like true happiness

i'm lucky

trying to do what i'm supposed to

i guess what makes me the most scared is me doing fucked up shit. i feel the most insecure. sometimes my brain is just crazy. i'm starting to lose my mind a little bit. my thoughts scare me when i think back on them. i just look stupid. it's like i'm given a chance and i somehow fuck it up. i'm aware of how hectic life is. latley i've been trying to run away from things that mean a lot to me. that should mean a lot to me. sometimes i feel some shaking. at least i have a chance. i'm not an activist like i want to be, instead i somehow fill my life with quick fixes and i don't stick my arm out to get something i want. what kind of look to i have on my face? what do i look like? it seems like i look like a fool. it seems like i really push people away from me except a few. at least from my point of view: larry, but is it true?
i guess the reason why i like the bar is because i allow myself to open up to people more than i usually would for a brief period of time. no strings. until i give someone my phone number and then they want to hang out with me. to get laid. maybe not. maybe they really like me but i know they were at the bars for the same reason as me. i'm hungry.
i get into trouble.
when we were little we were proud of how crazy we were and now most people i know try to cover it up. i think that's what american beauty is about.
i guess i actually am sticking my neck out for something i want. i'm trying to at least. i just have expectations that can't really be met. i do things for people that i would appriciate. i probably get these things all the time but take them for granted. for example, i'm crazy and i went out of my way to meet up with brad so that i could make sure he had something to eat. that seemed like the easiest way for me to express myself. i guess evan calling me tonight was the easiest way for him to express himself. and steve and larry. i feel so alone because i make it that way. because i do some fucked up shit, like not think and keep talking or walking or stalking, and then i suffer the consequences.
in the morning when i first wake up i have a rush of emotion mostly fear and remorse and i start to pray without even thinking about doing it first. my real prayers are cries for help. i don't think i can ever ask anyone except god.

i'm attracted to his eyes

and the faces that he makes. i'm attracted to his insecurities and weaknesses. i'm attracted to his laugh and his voice. i'm attracted to his lies and his tardiness. i love him in every way because it all gets me so excited. pursing his lips and squinting at me. everything. the scars and long hair, his calves, beard. i adore him. i feel like i'm lucky to be in his life. if i could only hold him in my arms, wrapped up. if i could help to document his life, find myself teaching him about himself. give him a place in mine. know the truth about love.

coming out

so i'm noticing that i'm coming up to another hurdle and i'm hoping to understand how to mediate this. i don't want to drag anyone into anything i can't do on my own. it's my life. and it really is all the same songs on the radio. that can be crazy. maybe it would be better without it. i guess i'm a musical person. i'm not the only one. it's better for me to not listen because i could become too consumed by it. i guess. i'm just waiting. i'm waiting for these relationships and a different kind of intamacy. that was crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzy. i guess it doesn't really happen that often. or never. great sex, it's stress off the brain. i have to take control of my life and mean it. i mmiss alena too much. my life. i'm looking forward things. tiny pennies hidden everywhere.

i see you watchin

i'm falling deeper and deeper in love with my man. i feel it getting stronger on my side of the equation. i want more love from him though. i want him to experience the same love i am. i'm crazy about him and i kiss and hug him as much as i can. there's no one else that has ever made me feel this way. i'm happy for us since we've been trying to get to know each other for so long. time is ticking away, it's like he's making my time go by faster. damn it.

i'm looking forward to all this relationship has to offer me. i'm scared of what lies ahead but i know he cares about me i can tell it's real. he's so young i just want him to grow old with me. i want to inspire him the way he needs it. i love him.

yes i guess you are

i found out that it's not because i'm unlikeable or unlovable. it's just because she doesn't like me that way anymore. that's why she wants me out and has continued to mention this to me. i'm not the only one after all. she has always seen me as a burden and i can only imagine how much her life changed in comparison to mine when i left for oakland. she moved out of tim's. i really wish i could understand and do better because my life would go so much smoother but it's all fake and old news. people aren't like that anymore. her parents. she wants to be just like them.

i can only remember how i felt

so now i can look back on how alone i felt i just don't want to feel like that again. cheated. i guess i'm at a point where i can choose carefully how i want to behave in a situation such as this.

i'm falling. or, i've fallen. i feel like i'm still falling. so that's where i can watch myself. to see if i'm making some mistakes. i used to not care maybe that's the key to it. maybe i feel this way because i can still feel the hole in my heart. i don't want to do something that will mess this up. i have it soooo good with him. i'm just hoping and hoping that he feels this way about me. what can i do to help it??
i'm making small mistakes. i want to know the future. i wish to be someone with manners and someone with something to teach another.

i can't always do the right thing. even though i feel like each moment lasts a lifetime when i'm waiting, i have to make sure i take advantage of them all. my thoughts are important. how can i change them?? how can i become more? better? how can i progress? i'm so happy but i need to feel something new in myself to be satisfied with who i am. i want to have enough to say and to give. he said i should write a book. i can't believe my ears sometimes. sometimes i think i'm unworthy of such a man.

too good to be true

feeling so lonley

i've just been feeling so lonley today. i'm waiting for someone to call my best friend, someone who calls me to hang out. i'm sad about it because it always seems like everyone has so much going on and i'm not included. i just wanted to be part of a group or something...
if i had a house...
if i had a boat...
if i had a car...
would my "friends" really want to be friends with me as much as i want to be with them?
i'm just wondering who has thought of me today?
i just called brad and he answered after not answering my two phone calls yesterday. he said he was busy right then and asked if he could call me back. yeah, he's busy. i wish i felt busy. i wish i had someone who would love to hang out with me. i wish i didn't like anybody just like everybody acts like they don't like me.
i'm needy i guess that's probably why i'm not needed.


i think what's really breaking my heart is all the time and energy i spent on jesse and i'm really feeling all this coming to a close. it's been six days now since i told him i didn't want to see him anymore. i thought i would regret it and i guess this is just me regretting it.


why does everything else seem like it doesn't matter unless i feel loved? why does it feel like i'll never have that bond with another person that i'm longing for?



if things don't start to get better very soon, i swear i think i'm going to kill my heart. i just feel so lonley.

finally my heart jumped again

it took long enough. and the only reason it happened was because i saw him driving and i was surprised. i told him that this wasn't working out for me because i wanted to be in his life as a true friend would be. it has become sad and clear to me that i was just something on the side for him, otherwise i would have gotten more from him.
then that night he called me but i said no when he asked me if i wanted to go with him to pass out at his mom's house. parts of me wish i had said yes but a bigger part of me knows i would have felt worse when he left me on the curb again.

not to night

we talked on the phone for i think the longest we ever have and i think i said the word like more than i ever have.
i feel more and more in love with this person every single day, more time spent without him means more excitment when we see each other again.
we talked on the phone for more than ever before and i looved it. i loved his conversation and how much it's changed since i first dialed his number. he told me scotty said he could stay there. that makes me happy because i know that's what he wanted.




he reallly


he really took his time to say, and even cleared his throat before saying that if i got an apartment he would have an indoor room with me. but that was also right after he told me that he's in the process of building a room on to scotty's front porch? i can spend some time wondering what he was thinking to build that right after all this stuff happend with me last week.

well i guess it's not tonight but i miss him all the same. i miss him more than just enough to be satisfied by a fuck in the morning. i'll be hoping more for love. i'll imagine it.

4:20

love, love, love oh, love.

i can still feel my hunger from a few days ago when he took me with him on a trip. he fed me the whole time and i got to feel taken care of unlike ever before. he asked me, "round your rosie?" and i fell to my knees laughing. that's how i want to keep the thread of intamacy between us, unbroken. i want his love for me to be real and from his soul. i feel like if i bring him into the dramatics of my everyday workings it would tarnish the still little sprout of love i felt coming from him.

at the beginning i could feel the whole of his love in my two hands but as the days passed it was like my hands just barely started to fall apart as if i couldn't hold it any longer. as it fell i could feel it passing so acutely i found myself being fast enough to somehow plug up those holes before they had done any real damage. now i'm left with a half full cup still waiting until tonight for it to be filled up again.

hang ups

he called me around 10 so i don't know why i couldn't have waited. i guess it had just been a while since i'd last seen him. i was so drunk from that rum when he showed up around midnight. i wasn't wearing pants. he said he liked me shirt. i just remeber him asking me if i was going to remember any of this and i think i said i hope so. we had sex without lube twice.
i just wish i remembered more. i did tell him about my mom wanting me out. he said i could stay at his trailer and i said i would but i don't have a car. can you believe it?!?!? he said i could stay there?
so where is he tonight? could i have made a mistake by telling him about that? i told him that i didn't want to leave him and he said be a big girl, be a pirate. because i said i hate being a pirate from being too drunk off rum. but where is he tonight?
i spent all last night bubbling with nerves of excitment and jealousy over where he spends his time and who with. who with? i can only imagine what kind of guilt and lustless commitment that kind of talk could set into him.
what if he wanted to take it back after he said i could stay at his trailer?? yah, what if he really got scared of me, preggers, posted in that tiny trailer? or just sitting there at scotty's because that would be scary, larry.
it's not midnight yet and i'm still hoping that he'll call me to come spend the night there in his trailer. ironic because as this seconds tick by i'm starting to be sure that call won't come.


i guess i need to check back in with reality and maybe get over these hang ups. but if i could really ask for something right now i would just want for him to hold me and rub my back.

i just remembered that as soon as i woke up this morning, it could be him that work me up, he asked me, "will you spoon me?"

is it late?

are you going to call me and is it late yet?? is it time for me to start thinking about calling you because i can't get enough of your love i can't i want some more. i'm watching grey's anatomy it's making me think of old times in olney in alicia's room. i'm so sick and tired of waiting for him to call me and i guess it's getting late now.

i have a shirt with a lot of lace that i put in the dryer and now the lace is burnt. i have a boyfriend that i've kept at an arm's length away for ever and what he loves even more than being with me is being himself. with him by my side i could have become everything i've ever wanted.
i look up to him and at another time i hope i could have been more like him. all these times i think he's never coming back and wouldn't even say goodbye but that's only because he think's i'm strong, right?

burden, a problem

i just got back home with some spiced rum. tonight my mom won't be coming come. i wish i could have hung out with my brother a bit longer but he has other things to do.
nick was just about the most annoying person to me this morning. he called me last night asking if he could take me to breakfast but when he got here this morning he had changed his mind. i guess i cared since i was hungry. i'm so annoyed with him though,t because i asked him if he wanted to do something outdoors and he seriously said, "i'm a chiller that chills". nothing could be more annoying coming from him slumped over in my bedroom.




damn it. i just hope i get a call from my man tonight. i'm really missing his everythings.

and when he comes to pick me up i'll be thinking here is my new love rolling down my street. and when i look to him he'll see me and smile. only i know he'll just start to drive away when all i want is for him to put it in park and hold my face like he did and then kiss me like he did. the way he pulls on the skin of my lips with his. how his tounge makes its way into my mouth but quickly darts out.
i'm interested in his thoughts between the time when he lets go of me and then smacks my ass.

oh baby, couldn't tonight be our night to reunite? couldn't you hold me again tonight?
or we can do something completely different, anything new. i'm pushed my new love tonight.

it's too bad

too bad tomorrow's friday. i just wish that he would have called me tonight. i just wish that this could have been the night that he would makeout with me. maybe tomorrow night? i hope so because i'm starting to fade away from his love.
since i've been thinking about what it would actually be like to live with him, i haven't been feeling it. i actually disagree with my mom about her idea to move in with her new boyfriend, i don't really feel moving in with mine. besides, mine has not even asked me about it. i could say that i have to leave this town or we have to be together. i could just go tell daller ayz that i've been in love with his bestest friend since the moment i saw his face. and then i would have to tell him that i not only feel in love with him, but i also became him and everything he's ever wanted to be and my life is forever changed since that moment.
now could i tell him i could never imagine my life as a single young woman without the pressing feeling of him following me everywhere like a shadow. could i ever tell him how much he has opened me up, cracked me open like a nut or an egg but left the pieces of me to rot inside that shell, leaving me open and somehow empty because his bestest buddy never cleaned up his mess?

maybe i could tell him just about the pillow i made for him out of my fleece blanket. he said he wanted another pillow, one that wasn't so big and i made it for him and i thought of something to accomidate his needs once again. could i tell you about all the other times i've done that since he seems to leave them open for me to mend lately and when he asks me something i keep up with the pattern and end up sounding like a roadie on his bandwagon.
i'd love for him to fall for me as hard as i did, but i don't think it's possible after how available i've made my love.

couldn't he have just called me so i woun't be so lonely for his bright eyes in the morning or the sound of his throat clearing or his hard toss to the left as he picks up both his hips and reachs back with is right hand.

by the way, what is a long term relationship?

it's getting late

but i guess i should be a little more literate.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm ever going to be able to get closer to the love of my life. i don't think it's him that's the problem.
i think the problem is almost entirely my fault. maybe it's ALLL my fault!!!!!!! i'm so excited that i'll be moving out of my house but i'm worried about what i should decide to do in the mean time.

i just remembered this time when he and i were talking about snowboarding and rain and he said something like "if it even rains again" and i said "we still have all of april" and he said WHAT so i guess i shouldn't just tell him ok i'm leaving in a month.
i'll say, alice, my friend i was planning on moving in with is moving out of her old apartment in a few weeks, and my mom said she's basically kicking me out around that time too but i don't want to leave you.


and i keep thinking about the time we woke up in my bed and he started talking about how he'd asked his friends to take drinks to the scotch i bought him and he asked me why i bought it. i just wish i could have been more clear with my intentions and said that i gave it to him after grandpa died and i was so sad about it in a horrilbe way but i just said something stupid. i said, because i wanted to do something good. and then hate myself.

i'm so excited!!!!!!!!

wow i can only imagine how much my life will be changing in the next few weeks. i want to find my direction in life. i want communication. someone could be so excited to be with me, but who is it?
i'm going to have to choose between two things that i love very much.
everyone in my life is here for a reason because of what goes on with my day. it hard for me to concentrate on what i should be doing. crazy.


how should i write this?

dear baby,
i know we've only been dating exclusivly for a while but i'm so into you. where do you think things are going with us???

because that's the ∫wrong thing to say

there's been so many times when i've gladly given up the unknown exclusivity of his love. it's just the times when he puts himself at my mercy that move me to ignore my insenitivity. like when his blessed heart comes over too drunk and i take pride in some part of his wellness in the morning. how dear can my love be?
how settled can i strive to be at one certain moment, letting all other moments unsettled and unplanned, and all unoticed.


it could very well be that we have got it all wrong to live in such a way that love begets only the slightest chance at it's best. perhaps it is a folly to not create a plan or a goal of a final destination.
why, who said that disadvantage is disadvantage?
why couldn't it be a lesson to you? and what else could be called a lesson but that which is to be learned. which takes time.
time, i guess is what is spent in order to learn these lessons. time well spent, doesn't it make you want to enjoy every minuite of it?
but seriously, what is being bought in the long run, my love? and what are you spending your time on???

because this is what i've been meaning to ask you: if i could be spending my time with you?
you're going to ask and wonder about what i'll be doing i guess can you really think about another human life like that? like it's your own, in another form? can you really


ohhhhhhhhhh, something to remember: it's just one style, getting ready to be taken on by the latest and pushed into the past.

you could live with

since this is the longest lasting journal that i 've managed to keep up , i've had to document.

today my mom told me dan would be moving in here in about a month. my life has just become a total blankness that i've felt coming but never loving, never holding. never holding myself.

now that i think of it i should be buying a gun.

no one else could have told me to fuck this life and never rely on my mom, except myself since i'm the only one who knew everything. how could i? how could i ever think someone was waiting to protect me when my only aliance is her.

it's not me

(Tom Petty and Mike Campbell)

She laughed in my face, told me goodbye
Said "Don't think about it, you can go crazy
Anything can happen, anything can end
Don't try to fight it, don't try to save me"

(Chorus)
She's a woman in love
And he's gonna break her heart to pieces
She don't wanna see
She's a woman in love, but it's not me

Well alright, do what you want
Don't try to talk, don't say nothing
She used to be the kind of woman
You have and you hold, she could understand the problem
She let the little things go

(Chorus)
She's a woman in love
And he's gonna break her heart to pieces
But she don't wanna know
She's a woman in love, she can't let go

Time after time, night after night
She would look up at me
And say she was lonely
I don't understand the world today
I don't understand what she needed
I gave her everything she threw it all away on nothin'
She's a woman in love

hate will get you every time