the rest of it

I love Tony. It's really pouring out. it's really coming down. and Tony's out there, getting diagnosed. hopefully.

so? i want to write the story of how we met but he's here! yay!

why, why, why???

Tony is at the doctor for his stomach problems right now. i can't wait for him to get home so i can hold him and tell him i love him. but i should be at work. why am i not there? i know i have problems. i know i have things i need to work out in my head. and in my heart.
there are so many things that are bothering me right now:
my job
-my boss is out to get me
--is it only in my mind? am i dude person??
-i just can't deal with waking up every morning at 7 and all the monotony
my family
-my relationship with my mom feels like it's destroyed
--i haven't had lunch with her in, i don't know, a month or so?
--i didn't see her during christmas because i didn't wake up in time to go to breakfast at her house and she was busy doing something else afterwards. i have no minutes on my phone so..... i can't call her, she can't call me
I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT IT
i know i would have made it over to her house if i was single. it's times like this i just want to do what i want and need to do instead of what he wants me to do. i guess i really didn't want to go, but part of me did. part of me felt bad but not as much as i thought i would. or as much as i have felt bad about not doing what she wanted met to do in the past.
i wonder how Tony's appointment is going. i hope he tells the doctor everything. i hope the doctor gives him a test today. please, please be ok.
but so many other things are bothering me.
like the monotony.
i can't stand waking up at the same time every day anymore! why? am i having some kind of mental breakdown?
"not even you believe your own story"
i can't stand running in circles. this is what happened:
when the wind blows really hard and the rain pours down sideways, that's when i need to stand in the middle of it and let it move me.
so i have times when i have a lot of girl power. there are times when i harass. there are times when i slack off. i do have some kind of problems. i do have an issue with authority. i fight.
and i'm not supposed to. at all. now i see it differently. now i see how i should be. but i know deep in my heart i can't always be that way. i want to help and i want to do things for people but i want them to show me some respect for it. i want the people i do things for to give me a little space and not expect me to do things for them all the time. i know that i've changed a lot since i've been Tony's girlfriend but maybe this year has changed me altogether, not only being with a man like Tony.
2009 was a bad year for me. i know it could have been worse. but i'm so happy that year is over and this past year has been pretty wonderful.
at the beginning of the year i started to feel like i was a total party girl. i spent new year's eve at the forest club acting like a 12 year old trying to get the bartender to "fall in love with me" or something ELSE, which i don't know. i just know that it wasn't good and looking back i'm lucky i never got into a relationship with him. I drank champange at the brewery. i bought a small bottle of stoli and drank it the next day at the brewery owner's house eating chili billy made. i felt the most severe anxiety that whole day. i was sad that whole day. i felt like i didn't belong that whole day and i know i'll always remember it and never forget looking around on the streets of ukiah wondering what i am doing.
i had already met Tony but i really didn't think i had a chance with him because in the middle of the Christmas party he just left to go back to covelo. i thought he wouldn't want to get to know me and he was forever gone.
but then on january 7th it was the day after Elyse's birthday and he brought Mario's pizza for her and me and jacob to eat. i remember asking him if i could have some and jacob answered saying no i couldn't and i felt nervous and laughed.