the real deal

this is one of those night when i do feel all alone. i can hear people outside. i can hear the tv. tlm is asleep and i'm up alone at eight pm. what a night. i took home the lyrics of the song one by u2 hoping he would understand how i could feel that way but only he could feel something that deep because he just said, "i know all the words" and whatever i guess then why did i bring it why did i try why did i want to just to be let down.
because i can't keep holding on  when all you got is hurt.
when does physical pain hinder emotional stability? when does human instinct to separate persist? i can feel him giving up on me. i don't even have to give up on him. it's like he's doing it for me. i won't do it so he has to.
i'm just so sad tonight about my mom, really. it's not him. he just isn't helping by being to sick to talk or stay awake for the 500th night.
i hate it she wrote to me. i hate it she tries to act like she cares about me when i know she doesn't.
i said to my friend, i wish i could reply and say why did you do nothing when your boyfriend just laid on top of me in the middle of the night? why didn't you help me. why did you shrug it off and tell me to go back to my room when he came back to your bed after me??? why did you desert me when you were all i had? why act like i'm the one who wanted to "cut this lunch short". it wasn't me who always wanted to fight. it wasn't me to hit you in the head. why did you do it to me then? and why did i have to go to juvenile hall when you're the one who was drunk and hitting me and pushing me for years and years????
i know she didn't think i would remember a lot of things. especially things from when i was really little. but i know what happened and i know what kind of person she is and if she wants to try to fool me now she can try but i won't be there.
so many times i've tried to imagine how good my life would be without her. i thought everything would be perfect. nothing will ever be perfect. every single day i have to live with the guilt and self hatred she instilled upon me from birth. i have to fight to feel good. i have to try to forget what i've been through. i have to try to smile. but sometimes it's really not so easy.
like right now i feel so alone because i'm alone. i have nothing to be happy about but maybe my granny is healthy, but otherwise i have a horrible existence. i try to be happy. maybe god can make me happy. maybe god didn't mean to give me a mom that continues to torture me every time i even think about her. i sometimes wish i had died when i tried. i wish things were different.

this fills my mind

i do feel better when i write but i also feel sick. i can't believe this is the sorry excuse for my life. i thought it should be so much better. i don't know how blunt to be. sometimes i just feel so stagnant and stifled. no one is ever going to care anyway so why not just write it. 

i heard a party going on outside in the clubhouse. it's almost every weekend i'm confronted by the idea of my wedding. what it's going to be like. who will be there. and i feel apathetic. and i know tlm does too. he does. he doesn't have any plans for anything soon. why would he. cause i don't. what's a wedding all about anyway because the few i've been to don't make any sense. nothing ever seems to work out. especially not my mom's. 

she's been married three times. the first time was for about three years. just long enough to have my brother and i and that has to be the worst. what happened to me and my brother and my dad was horrible. the second time was to the person i still call my step dad. she had a few boyfriends before she married him but they met when i was 10 and my mom moved into an apartment and slowly divorced him when i moved to college. it was horrible because i lost my step brother and sister in the deal. my family is no longer my family. i hated moving into a stranger's house when i was little but after so many years i didn't want to be divorced from my siblings. that's what happened. i think my mom broke my step dad's heart in a way. i know he wasn't perfect but i saw him cry about losing her. that's something she never did, only when she wanted someone to feel sorry for her would she cry. other than that she was tough.

she married my new step dad who came with a new brother and sister but they are both older than me. i can't just start acting like they can be my new family all of a sudden. my mom thinks it's no big deal and i should do it for her. she's willing to be semi nice to me if i can grin and bear it through christmas and her birthday. but i didn't make it. 

i guess that's when things started getting bad between us. it took a long time for me to actually accept my new place in the world since i always planned on having my family. meanwhile, my mom is busy making a new family. she asked me why i didn't come over to her house for events and i said sorry but i just can't face this new reality and i would rather have christmas at home with my boyfriend than go over to her house and hang out with people who have hurt me and don't really like me at all. they must be going on at least 5 years together and they are married and i've accepted their relationship in the past but the disappointment of her never owning up to her actions has finally taken it's toll on me.

from all the school nights i didn't get enough sleep because my mom was drunk fighting me i have problems. i can't seem to be normal in any way. i don't look normal i don't act normal i don't feel normal. and i know a lot of people would say there is no normal but i would say then you don't know what i mean, this doesn't apply to you don't even read this. but i for one do understand. there's something that started when i was even in first and second grade that set me apart in the classroom. i was on the other side. and so was tlm. so were a lot of people. but most of those people aren't tarnished and they grow up to cross the line over to the other side. but me i'm still here. and i don't even know if tlm is with me because most of the time i feel all alone. in despair. so that's what is going on. day after day. and i come up with memories of why i should feel this way and why it makes sense. like how my mom doesn't actually care about me. 

she could care in a way but no in a substantial way. and that matters. not in a way that still sets me apart from everyone else. her love shouldn't make me feel more alone. it shouldn't but that's what it does to me. because even in the biggest most happiest least memorable moments it feels like it's fake. and she has ulterior motives. it can't be denied. and there's our history. i've learned something from all this. once you hurt someone so badly it can't be healed, it really can't be healed and you'll have to live with seeing the pain on your victim's face forever. that's what my mom has to deal with when she looks at me and it started when i was two and it's lasted until now for me to say, "fine, if you can't stand to look at what you've done with me and our relationship, i don't want to have to patch it together by myself anymore" and that did put an end to it.

i don't know if it's going to be the end. in a way i hope so. very often i hope so. but i still have the softer side of me. the side she someone thinks is a result of her and therefore should be easy to manipulate, might give in. i don't know.

i felt better after writing that yesterday. about my past. it helps to write it out loud. talking to TLM about everything on my mind when i get home from work helps too. we've been talking about my life for the past hour and a half. i wish i could be there more for him. like he is for me. i'm so different from him in that way. i'm selfish compared to him maybe because of our age difference. but he's there for me. so much in a way i can't be for him. that's how it's feeling right now. but it really could be my self hatred getting to me again. 

when i found out who dude person actually was i wanted justice. and i never got that because my mom was constantly drunk. she didn't care about anything but making me her enemy. now that's i've been to a bar myself i have seen how drunk people act and some of the people i've seen acted exactly like my mom. she wanted to fight me and stare me down all the time like in a bar fight. it was crazy. i wasn't even safe in my room the more time i spent in my room the worse she got. she was convinced i was hiding something. she began asking me, no she was confronting me about being on drugs like meth all the time. multiple times per day. and she would do things like burst into my room in the middle of the night to look for people in my room and see if i was doing drugs. it sounds like she was doing drugs herself but she was definitely drunk. i know because i saw all the whiskey and vodka consumed. she just hated me and wanted to fight me all the time. it was crazy i'm telling you. so i started to not be able to take it anymore. i really had enough. i was isolated from my friends from being grounded for three months and i didn't have a relationship with my dad at that time for reasons i don't want to get into right now. but this one night, it was the friday night before the first monday of 9th grade, high school and i needed her to just stop running into my room and jumping on my trying to pull my hair and hit me in the head. i needed to have her love. i was so desperate. i just went into her room and said i felt so sad i really felt like killing myself and she said to me, "why don't you go ahead and do it". so i took a whole bottle of aspirin. it was an unopened bottle. she must have realized what she said because i heard her running down the stairs and into my room where i was laying on my bed with my arms folded like i was dead. i wrote a down from a page in a diary that i have never found and stuffed it in the empty bottle. it said my mom should get manslaughter for not helping me when i asked her for help about killing myself. i don't remember if it said she told me to do it. it should have. because i wouldn't have taken that bottle if she didn't tell me to. she called poison control on the phone and they told her to take me to the emergency room. i was already feeling woozy. i remember taking charcoal. i remember hearing that the ball of aspirin was too big to come out of my throat. so i stayed there until sunday night. i remember my brother, dude person, coming to see my on sunday and her was crying. he shook me because i couldn't wake up for all those days. i don't remember anything but him waking me up and my dad crying sitting on a chair in front of my bed in the emergency room before i went to sleep. i was so week when i came home. it was about nine at night and it was bedtime even though i had been asleep for the whole weekend. my mom never talked to me about it. she just took my to the first day of school the next day. it was horrible. i still had big holes in my arms from the iv and they hurt. no one talked to me about it. after not seeing my friends for the whole summer, a new school and being a freshmen just was too much to hold us together and i ended up not having any of the same friends from middle school. on the first day in the morning i found my best friend. i hadn't seen her in so long and i told her bluntly i tried committing suicide and she didn't know what to say i guess so she didn't say much and i didn't get any healing from her. but what did i expect. she was only 14 just like me and she had no idea the pain i had in my life. God is the only one that can help me. 

extra special G

the worst thing ever is happing at work now. Of course we want the hoods to be lowered when people are using chemicals but so and so is too tree-like to pour safely. not to sound so petty but it gives me a headache when i'm working on my own stuff. it's extremely annoying, to the point i leave the room in a fury to get a snack fresh air and i guess vent. i don't even think for one second anyone is going to do anything about it, but i'm wrong when i have to confront pretty much everyone except for the culprit while so&so is standing right there. and i mean right there....

i offered help but i'm learning i guess i shouldn't have even thought of it. my attitude was laughed at once again. degraded. disrespected. humiliated in front of everyone and i couldn't even defend my position. but..... 

i did have the opportunity to team up with a former suppressor against cruelty and destruction. 

i wanted to write in my blog again to maybe settle a few thoughts in my mind lately. i haven't written a poem or anything with real heart for so long. i haven't really even listened to music very much except for a few drunken nights interpol and modest mouse. that's all going to have to change. i have been feeling so bad lately i can't explain it. i get this feeling of wanting to run away/die/tell everyone to fuck off can't you see it's hard for me? but in reality that doesn't seem to matter anymore and it gets worse. i realize it never did because nothing seems to ever get better everything seems to really get worse. so becoming older and becoming stronger could be seen as a character's progression in a video game. if you go around picking flowers all day you will gain strength in potion making but when a big creature comes along you will die. 

my life has been really bothering me lately. my life when i didn't know i had my own life to think of. when i didn't think there was anything else but the street i grew up on and the people who didn't care us kids and all of it. being afraid of the police and my mother playing on that forever. forever. and that's the meat of the issue. how can a daughter be so afraid of the police because of her mother. how could she do this all to me. i want to write about it. i want it all out in the open like a tell all bestseller but my story is too gruesome. i can say one thing to start out that doesn't make me feel bad at all to say out loud. no one can tell me this is my fault and i'm really the one to blame after all because i'm the only one who knows after all. 

right before 8th grade graduation a CD from columbia house came to our address. it was a third eye blind CD, my favorite band at the time. it took my mom and step dad a few weeks of interrogating the four of us: me, a 12 year old, an 11 year old, and a 6 year old and doing stuff like withholding all privileges until someone confessed. i was unfortunate enough to be the chosen one to be grounded for 3 months, yes the entire summer, for ordering the CD that just randomly showed up at our house. i did not order it. i fought and fought with them about it until i started to believe i really did order it. they told my they knew i did and slammed it into my head so much i became a believer in their story about me. mind you, this is not the first time my mom used this tactic to get me to hate myself. supplying reasoning that it was my favorite band how could she be wrong. it was only after the 3 months of torture, isolation and nightly physical fights with my drunk mom did my brother admit to me that he ordered the CD. i, of course, yes i did, i rushed to tell my mom but guess what. big surprise she did not care one bit i was so upset, i was and i guess i still am very very upset about it. the address on the CD's packaging was our address but the name of the person supposed to receive the package was DUDE PERSON. and that's is not me. mom i am not dude person and even though it has been ten years i still regret ever living with you to let you ground me for three months for something i did not do. 

f*ckin retard

bullshitting is almost half of a business. i seriously can't take it anymore. but i must be lying since that's what i've been saying for the past month. why is everyone around me so negative? today could have been a good day except i woke up at 

love turns the wheels in my head

when you love somebody

I know down deep in my soul that tony is my true love. the one that was meant for me. why else would we be together and love each other so much? we are soul mates. i'm so lucky to be with him. we can talk about anything. 

i know we struggle sometimes but right now i feel so good about our love. 

today he had his first procedure done. i walked him home. he saw me right when he woke up. he was so happy to see me. but he still looked so scared. he didn't even know it was over yet. he was surprised. he was ready to go as soon as he woke up. i thought he was so sweet and precious. he was asleep when i walked in and i didn't wake him up at first. i thought he would just wake up but when i sat there for a minute it seemed like he could sleep there all night. but when the nurse woke him up he was amazing and beautiful and i was so proud to be his girlfriend. we are not going to give up until we find what is going on inside of him. i can't wait to find out so the pain can stop. whatever it is, i'm going to be on the battlefield fighting this thing. with my love. 

as we were walking to the hospital he told me he wanted me to know he loves me in case anything happens. i told him i love him too. he does love me and that it's it. 

we went to the new year's party and it was pretty fun. it was hard for us both to get in to it because of drama and shit talking mostly, but also because of tony's pain. 

tomorrow is saturday and we are going to church this weekend. i'm excited to go again. i don't ever want to miss another sunday. thank god tony wants to go with me.