this is one of those night when i do feel all alone. i can hear people outside. i can hear the tv. tlm is asleep and i'm up alone at eight pm. what a night. i took home the lyrics of the song one by u2 hoping he would understand how i could feel that way but only he could feel something that deep because he just said, "i know all the words" and whatever i guess then why did i bring it why did i try why did i want to just to be let down.
because i can't keep holding on when all you got is hurt.
when does physical pain hinder emotional stability? when does human instinct to separate persist? i can feel him giving up on me. i don't even have to give up on him. it's like he's doing it for me. i won't do it so he has to.
i'm just so sad tonight about my mom, really. it's not him. he just isn't helping by being to sick to talk or stay awake for the 500th night.
i hate it she wrote to me. i hate it she tries to act like she cares about me when i know she doesn't.
i said to my friend, i wish i could reply and say why did you do nothing when your boyfriend just laid on top of me in the middle of the night? why didn't you help me. why did you shrug it off and tell me to go back to my room when he came back to your bed after me??? why did you desert me when you were all i had? why act like i'm the one who wanted to "cut this lunch short". it wasn't me who always wanted to fight. it wasn't me to hit you in the head. why did you do it to me then? and why did i have to go to juvenile hall when you're the one who was drunk and hitting me and pushing me for years and years????
i know she didn't think i would remember a lot of things. especially things from when i was really little. but i know what happened and i know what kind of person she is and if she wants to try to fool me now she can try but i won't be there.
so many times i've tried to imagine how good my life would be without her. i thought everything would be perfect. nothing will ever be perfect. every single day i have to live with the guilt and self hatred she instilled upon me from birth. i have to fight to feel good. i have to try to forget what i've been through. i have to try to smile. but sometimes it's really not so easy.
like right now i feel so alone because i'm alone. i have nothing to be happy about but maybe my granny is healthy, but otherwise i have a horrible existence. i try to be happy. maybe god can make me happy. maybe god didn't mean to give me a mom that continues to torture me every time i even think about her. i sometimes wish i had died when i tried. i wish things were different.
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