feeling worse

i only continue to write here because i trust that no one is reading it. i need it to be personal and mine. today isn't any better than yesterday. i still feel lonley and sad. i still feel like i have nothing to do. i wish i had more friends here to hang out with. blaine asked me to stop by tonight but i don't know if it will be weird. last time i was there it wasn't very comfertable and i think his friends don't really like me or have any reason to. i wish i had a bike to ride around town. i really wish i had my old bike.
i had a wonderful time talking to kon on the phone last night. i hope that he comes to see me as soon as he gets back. i really miss him. i talked to alen today and she really wants me to come visit her. i think i will spend a lot of time there this summer if i can't find a job here. i went to the florist's today and they don't need anyone.
i think i should go over to kathrine and brandon's but i don't know if i should feel that welcome. we'll see.

will this work?

kon left today. he'll be down south for a few weeks. that makes me uneasy but i'll try to make the best of it. i went to the theater today to see if i can work there this summer. lynn told me that i was terminated so she may be unable to let me work there again. i have to fill out an application.

here i am

jb told me that he writes in a journal daily. i wonder if he misses us. john wrote a comment to me saying he misses me. that' a load of crap. i need to figure out how i'm going to manage my strength this summer. blaine took me into his circle of friends last night and i could tell that i'm not going to be accepted right off the bat. which sucks. i'm just hoping that i don't get pulled into a bunch of drama. i think the only way to avoid that is staying away as much as possilbe. maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to hang out with them on the weekends once in a while. i really just want to hang out with him.
it worries me that i'm starting to feel just like i always do as soon as i come back. it's like a weakness taking over me. i really do hope that i can have some strong connections again. it would be really nice to be able to rely on a group of people up here for a change.
i thought i would find some kind of life in the library to carry me along and now i'm waiting for the pool to be fixed. why can't i just open up that bio book then? what's the problem?
finding ways to share my love is the best solution. i'm thinking about how nice it would be to relax with some chill people. oh just like i always do. i think it would be a lot of fun to have alena and kon come up here, but nearly impossilbe. i know it's going to end with me going down there. now that i've been here for a few days i realize now how much more there is for me to do here than in san mateo. i would be living under kon's rule over there. and as much fun as that seems right now, it's the last thing i want to be doing when i'm there. i can totally understand why alone wants me to to take part in her never ending feud with kon over when and where her freedom will be allowed.
i guess tomorrow i'll just lay out in the sun and get kissed all over by the sun. i'll pray all day long. i'll go home now and put on a fake smile while my mom kisses the dog.