feeling so lonley

i've just been feeling so lonley today. i'm waiting for someone to call my best friend, someone who calls me to hang out. i'm sad about it because it always seems like everyone has so much going on and i'm not included. i just wanted to be part of a group or something...
if i had a house...
if i had a boat...
if i had a car...
would my "friends" really want to be friends with me as much as i want to be with them?
i'm just wondering who has thought of me today?
i just called brad and he answered after not answering my two phone calls yesterday. he said he was busy right then and asked if he could call me back. yeah, he's busy. i wish i felt busy. i wish i had someone who would love to hang out with me. i wish i didn't like anybody just like everybody acts like they don't like me.
i'm needy i guess that's probably why i'm not needed.


i think what's really breaking my heart is all the time and energy i spent on jesse and i'm really feeling all this coming to a close. it's been six days now since i told him i didn't want to see him anymore. i thought i would regret it and i guess this is just me regretting it.


why does everything else seem like it doesn't matter unless i feel loved? why does it feel like i'll never have that bond with another person that i'm longing for?



if things don't start to get better very soon, i swear i think i'm going to kill my heart. i just feel so lonley.

finally my heart jumped again

it took long enough. and the only reason it happened was because i saw him driving and i was surprised. i told him that this wasn't working out for me because i wanted to be in his life as a true friend would be. it has become sad and clear to me that i was just something on the side for him, otherwise i would have gotten more from him.
then that night he called me but i said no when he asked me if i wanted to go with him to pass out at his mom's house. parts of me wish i had said yes but a bigger part of me knows i would have felt worse when he left me on the curb again.