there's only one of you

i'm starting to think up all these happy dreams of us together forever.

hard to believe

feeling worse

i only continue to write here because i trust that no one is reading it. i need it to be personal and mine. today isn't any better than yesterday. i still feel lonley and sad. i still feel like i have nothing to do. i wish i had more friends here to hang out with. blaine asked me to stop by tonight but i don't know if it will be weird. last time i was there it wasn't very comfertable and i think his friends don't really like me or have any reason to. i wish i had a bike to ride around town. i really wish i had my old bike.
i had a wonderful time talking to kon on the phone last night. i hope that he comes to see me as soon as he gets back. i really miss him. i talked to alen today and she really wants me to come visit her. i think i will spend a lot of time there this summer if i can't find a job here. i went to the florist's today and they don't need anyone.
i think i should go over to kathrine and brandon's but i don't know if i should feel that welcome. we'll see.

will this work?

kon left today. he'll be down south for a few weeks. that makes me uneasy but i'll try to make the best of it. i went to the theater today to see if i can work there this summer. lynn told me that i was terminated so she may be unable to let me work there again. i have to fill out an application.

here i am

jb told me that he writes in a journal daily. i wonder if he misses us. john wrote a comment to me saying he misses me. that' a load of crap. i need to figure out how i'm going to manage my strength this summer. blaine took me into his circle of friends last night and i could tell that i'm not going to be accepted right off the bat. which sucks. i'm just hoping that i don't get pulled into a bunch of drama. i think the only way to avoid that is staying away as much as possilbe. maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to hang out with them on the weekends once in a while. i really just want to hang out with him.
it worries me that i'm starting to feel just like i always do as soon as i come back. it's like a weakness taking over me. i really do hope that i can have some strong connections again. it would be really nice to be able to rely on a group of people up here for a change.
i thought i would find some kind of life in the library to carry me along and now i'm waiting for the pool to be fixed. why can't i just open up that bio book then? what's the problem?
finding ways to share my love is the best solution. i'm thinking about how nice it would be to relax with some chill people. oh just like i always do. i think it would be a lot of fun to have alena and kon come up here, but nearly impossilbe. i know it's going to end with me going down there. now that i've been here for a few days i realize now how much more there is for me to do here than in san mateo. i would be living under kon's rule over there. and as much fun as that seems right now, it's the last thing i want to be doing when i'm there. i can totally understand why alone wants me to to take part in her never ending feud with kon over when and where her freedom will be allowed.
i guess tomorrow i'll just lay out in the sun and get kissed all over by the sun. i'll pray all day long. i'll go home now and put on a fake smile while my mom kisses the dog.

it's too late baby

So I’m thinking about pulling an all-nighter. I just spent all this wasted time on facebook, myspace and well, blackboard. Now it’s almost 2 in the a.m. and I’m not going to sleep now. I made myself miss hanging out in dear old Ukiah by looking at a bunch of Ukiah high student’s myspace pages. That wasn’t so smart because now I’m thinking and wishing about my old friends in Ukiah. I am excited about getting to hang out there for the month of May. Hopefully I’ll get to see Timmy and the crew a lot more than expected. I hope that everything goes well with that.
I’m really missing Aymeric a lot. Today and yesterday were really hard for me because I woke up reaching out for him. I dream of him so often. So tonight I decided to download skype in the computer lab and add him. I’ve been on the computer for almost 2 hours now and I’m starting to feel discouraged.
Alena and I watched pride and prejudice tonight and I couldn’t help but kick myself for not saying yes to Aymeric’s proposal. I know that it’s not physically possible but I still find myself imagining that he would have stayed if I had said yes. If I could only hold him in my arms once more. I really hope that my mom puts enough money in my account for me to send that package. I’ll have to buy some scotch to tape it up.
Wow I’m getting pretty sleepy now. Should I just go to bed? I don’t want to wake up alone again. I should really just try to pull an all-nighter though. Just for the fun of it. I can do laundry and read. Which will most likely put me to sleep. I’m starting to get really hungry though, and that will give me a headache. I should just stay here at this computer until Aymeric signs on. Even if it takes hours, days, months.
Kon has been really annoying me on the phone. He told Alena not to get into the car with me when I have my mom’s car. I asked him about it and that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have because it just made me feel shitty when he accused me of being too emotional to drive. I think he could be a lot nicer than that.
I tried to work on my final project for video in final cut pro today but it didn’t go very well. I think I hate that program. It’s really difficult to use and it takes so much effort to do something that could be simply done in iMovie.
I have a quiz in my bio lab in the morning. Dun dun dun. I also have to go talk to my advisor about registering for next semester and what’s been going on this semester. I’m pretty pissed off at myself again and I really wish that I could do this entire semester over again. At least it’s getting close to the end and I won’t have to think about it anymore. Next fall I’ll be able to start again fresh.
I tried to work on my final project for video in final cut pro today but it didn’t go very well. I think I hate that program. It’s really difficult to use and it takes so much effort to do something that could be simply done in iMovie.
I have a quiz in my bio lab in the morning. Dun dun dun. I also have to go talk to my advisor about registering for next semester and what’s been going on this semester. I’m pretty pissed off at myself again and I really wish that I could do this entire semester over again. At least it’s getting close to the end and I won’t have to think about it anymore. Next fall I’ll be able to start again fresh.
Next year is going to be really strange because I won’t have Alena. I hope that it works out for the better. Maybe it will allow me to dedicate my ENTIRE LIFE to school. I really wish I had a boyfriend who had so much time to dedicate to me again. That would be a lot of fun for the summer. Wow!

fuck a lot

Hopefully I’ll feel better after this.
So, I’m planning on checking out a camera or audio recorder from AV today. Actually in less than an hour because if I don’t then dun dun dun.
I really have been feeling like crap today. I know it’s because I haven’t been getting any love. My mom is putting money in my account tomorrow so thankfully I can send that fucking DVD to France and receive some love. I woke up for the third time this morning feeling horrible because I won’t ever be held the same way again. Why am I not French?
I now always and forever hate my life. I feel like I should just go to Berkeley and lay out in the street. I have so much shit I have to do but somehow just don’t do it. I’m pathetic. Maybe I should make a list! OK!
1. Get the fucking number of the SSD lady off my email
2. Call the fucking lady
3. Make an appointment with that fucking lady
4. Talk to her
5. Make fucking flashcards
6. Make more fucking flashcards
7. Lay out in the street
List is finished. Maybe I should just think about how I’m going to have my mom’s CAR soon!!!!!!! Whooo. Fuck, that means I’ll be going crazy!!!! When are my finals again?
The first one is calculus; I think it’s on Saturday. Then I have ones on the seventh and the ninth. But I also have to drive back either on the tenth or eleventh because that is when my mom is getting her tummy tuck. Fuck. Don’t get your hopes up too much. I’ll have more fun in Ukiah anyway.
If I had a car this whole time then I would like my life a whole lot more. Why do I always do this to myself?
This weekend should be a lot of fun. Because I’ll have money. I’ll go lay out in the street now.

the morning after and the phone call

I woke up this morning almost in tears, wondering how I was going to go about today. I had a horrible night. My dreams were vivid and weird. Aymeric and my dad were in my dreams all night. I really hope that I will be able to see my dad this weekend.
Fetish ball is on Friday night. Now that I’m feeling empty in a certain way I am looking forward to the ball. I can feel myself starting to reach out for things to occupy my mind and body. For example, I just picked up Tao Te Ching from the library. I started reading it but my mind kept racing as fast as my heart and I could still feel the tears pushing hard against the back of my eyeballs. And then my phone started to vibrate. So quickly I looked at the screen and saw M’rik! Of course I was delighted to hear from him. We talked for almost twenty minutes. He’s in Chicago right now waiting for his flight to France. I told him about last night when I breathlessly rummaged though the bag of books he brought to my room and how I pulled out the French flag. I told him how it smells like him. He said he wanted to write “thank you so much” on it but I think I like it clean like him. Clean like his smile and crisp like his eyes.
Last night Alena, Alison Lowrie and I took Aymeric to the Coliseum BART station in Alison’s car. We didn’t get there until 11:30 or so. He and I went into the station he bought his ticket. I said goodbye to him with two kisses.
Afterward, I cried like a baby in the backseat of her car. Alena reached back to comfort me and we went to In & Out.
I’m actually really excited for Aymeric. I’m so happy that he will get to see his family after living in U.S.A. for seven months. I think it’s because I feel like a little part of me left for France with him. I’m happy to have such a good friend across the sea to let me into his world. I love my French connection.

i only have about 10 min left in my battery. my boyfriend is so fucking cute. last night he asked me if i "would marry" him. it was so hot. i should have just said yes but instead i stumbled over my words and got selfish wanting to hear it again.
i talk about the way i feel when i'm lying in my bed naked with him because he asks me all the time. i feel like a million bucks.
i just wish it was summer, when night is so warm you can sleep under the stairs until the sun comes up to quickly raise your temperature and tighten your pupils for the rest of the day.
yesterday alena* asked me what i would do if i found out i only had one week to live.
i told her i would go to howard lake but now i think i would go to the ranch and fish all morning to cool off.
i've been taking antibiotics that had a sun warning. my face is a little red now but i like it.
it's 12:30 and my day has just begun. i have 2 cigarettes.
it feels so good to know that i'll just be going back to that comfertable place again after aymeric* leaves.
*names have been changed

feeling lonely

I’m feeling pretty bored and lonely. I’m just sitting in the computer lab. I was hanging out with Alex but she took off because my mom called me. A bunch of new Eves showed up today. I find it annoying that everyone is gone for spring break. I have barely anyone to sit with at meals. Tonight at dinner that one Indian man sat with me before Evan and Alicia showed up so they sat at a different table because neither of them like him. Have they even talked to him?
Today I broke the AC adapter for my computer. That sucks balls. At least Michael wrote on my wall on facebook today. That made me feel good. Too bad the only reason why he did it was to bash Drew for being a Christian.
None of that matters anyway. I guess sooner or later I won’t even have Aymeric to hang out with. I should just get used to feeling lonely again.

Is that allowed?

Ok, I’ve given up! I noticed that my life in its entirety fell downhill as soon as I deleted all my blog posts. This must be a sign of something. So, hey, JB! If you’re reading this then, hi! Because it really does not matter anymore. Whether or not someone cares to search for my blog is quite different than me letting all of my friends know that I’ve been writing about things they would love it know about.
It seems like I need to be spending a large portion of my day writing down my thoughts for others to likely read. Otherwise, I’ll be overwhelmed with too much of myself. The reason why I now know this is because I have strenuously tried to make up for my lack of blogging with conversation and it just didn’t seem to work out.
a. Many of the things I would like to speak about would either make my friends uncomfortable or hurt them in some way and
b. My friends just don’t have the time to listen to everything I have to say
c. Letting someone know almost everything about your intimate thoughts makes one predictable and boring, which I am not
It also has come to my attention that I must indeed keep records of not only my findings in this world but my reflections of it so that I may use them later in life. I am in no way doubting my substantial memory but I know that I can’t expect myself to remember everything that I would like to. Especially when so many outstanding and surprising events happen in my everyday life.