not to night

we talked on the phone for i think the longest we ever have and i think i said the word like more than i ever have.
i feel more and more in love with this person every single day, more time spent without him means more excitment when we see each other again.
we talked on the phone for more than ever before and i looved it. i loved his conversation and how much it's changed since i first dialed his number. he told me scotty said he could stay there. that makes me happy because i know that's what he wanted.




he reallly


he really took his time to say, and even cleared his throat before saying that if i got an apartment he would have an indoor room with me. but that was also right after he told me that he's in the process of building a room on to scotty's front porch? i can spend some time wondering what he was thinking to build that right after all this stuff happend with me last week.

well i guess it's not tonight but i miss him all the same. i miss him more than just enough to be satisfied by a fuck in the morning. i'll be hoping more for love. i'll imagine it.

4:20

love, love, love oh, love.

i can still feel my hunger from a few days ago when he took me with him on a trip. he fed me the whole time and i got to feel taken care of unlike ever before. he asked me, "round your rosie?" and i fell to my knees laughing. that's how i want to keep the thread of intamacy between us, unbroken. i want his love for me to be real and from his soul. i feel like if i bring him into the dramatics of my everyday workings it would tarnish the still little sprout of love i felt coming from him.

at the beginning i could feel the whole of his love in my two hands but as the days passed it was like my hands just barely started to fall apart as if i couldn't hold it any longer. as it fell i could feel it passing so acutely i found myself being fast enough to somehow plug up those holes before they had done any real damage. now i'm left with a half full cup still waiting until tonight for it to be filled up again.

hang ups

he called me around 10 so i don't know why i couldn't have waited. i guess it had just been a while since i'd last seen him. i was so drunk from that rum when he showed up around midnight. i wasn't wearing pants. he said he liked me shirt. i just remeber him asking me if i was going to remember any of this and i think i said i hope so. we had sex without lube twice.
i just wish i remembered more. i did tell him about my mom wanting me out. he said i could stay at his trailer and i said i would but i don't have a car. can you believe it?!?!? he said i could stay there?
so where is he tonight? could i have made a mistake by telling him about that? i told him that i didn't want to leave him and he said be a big girl, be a pirate. because i said i hate being a pirate from being too drunk off rum. but where is he tonight?
i spent all last night bubbling with nerves of excitment and jealousy over where he spends his time and who with. who with? i can only imagine what kind of guilt and lustless commitment that kind of talk could set into him.
what if he wanted to take it back after he said i could stay at his trailer?? yah, what if he really got scared of me, preggers, posted in that tiny trailer? or just sitting there at scotty's because that would be scary, larry.
it's not midnight yet and i'm still hoping that he'll call me to come spend the night there in his trailer. ironic because as this seconds tick by i'm starting to be sure that call won't come.


i guess i need to check back in with reality and maybe get over these hang ups. but if i could really ask for something right now i would just want for him to hold me and rub my back.

i just remembered that as soon as i woke up this morning, it could be him that work me up, he asked me, "will you spoon me?"

is it late?

are you going to call me and is it late yet?? is it time for me to start thinking about calling you because i can't get enough of your love i can't i want some more. i'm watching grey's anatomy it's making me think of old times in olney in alicia's room. i'm so sick and tired of waiting for him to call me and i guess it's getting late now.

i have a shirt with a lot of lace that i put in the dryer and now the lace is burnt. i have a boyfriend that i've kept at an arm's length away for ever and what he loves even more than being with me is being himself. with him by my side i could have become everything i've ever wanted.
i look up to him and at another time i hope i could have been more like him. all these times i think he's never coming back and wouldn't even say goodbye but that's only because he think's i'm strong, right?

burden, a problem

i just got back home with some spiced rum. tonight my mom won't be coming come. i wish i could have hung out with my brother a bit longer but he has other things to do.
nick was just about the most annoying person to me this morning. he called me last night asking if he could take me to breakfast but when he got here this morning he had changed his mind. i guess i cared since i was hungry. i'm so annoyed with him though,t because i asked him if he wanted to do something outdoors and he seriously said, "i'm a chiller that chills". nothing could be more annoying coming from him slumped over in my bedroom.




damn it. i just hope i get a call from my man tonight. i'm really missing his everythings.

and when he comes to pick me up i'll be thinking here is my new love rolling down my street. and when i look to him he'll see me and smile. only i know he'll just start to drive away when all i want is for him to put it in park and hold my face like he did and then kiss me like he did. the way he pulls on the skin of my lips with his. how his tounge makes its way into my mouth but quickly darts out.
i'm interested in his thoughts between the time when he lets go of me and then smacks my ass.

oh baby, couldn't tonight be our night to reunite? couldn't you hold me again tonight?
or we can do something completely different, anything new. i'm pushed my new love tonight.

it's too bad

too bad tomorrow's friday. i just wish that he would have called me tonight. i just wish that this could have been the night that he would makeout with me. maybe tomorrow night? i hope so because i'm starting to fade away from his love.
since i've been thinking about what it would actually be like to live with him, i haven't been feeling it. i actually disagree with my mom about her idea to move in with her new boyfriend, i don't really feel moving in with mine. besides, mine has not even asked me about it. i could say that i have to leave this town or we have to be together. i could just go tell daller ayz that i've been in love with his bestest friend since the moment i saw his face. and then i would have to tell him that i not only feel in love with him, but i also became him and everything he's ever wanted to be and my life is forever changed since that moment.
now could i tell him i could never imagine my life as a single young woman without the pressing feeling of him following me everywhere like a shadow. could i ever tell him how much he has opened me up, cracked me open like a nut or an egg but left the pieces of me to rot inside that shell, leaving me open and somehow empty because his bestest buddy never cleaned up his mess?

maybe i could tell him just about the pillow i made for him out of my fleece blanket. he said he wanted another pillow, one that wasn't so big and i made it for him and i thought of something to accomidate his needs once again. could i tell you about all the other times i've done that since he seems to leave them open for me to mend lately and when he asks me something i keep up with the pattern and end up sounding like a roadie on his bandwagon.
i'd love for him to fall for me as hard as i did, but i don't think it's possible after how available i've made my love.

couldn't he have just called me so i woun't be so lonely for his bright eyes in the morning or the sound of his throat clearing or his hard toss to the left as he picks up both his hips and reachs back with is right hand.

by the way, what is a long term relationship?

it's getting late

but i guess i should be a little more literate.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm ever going to be able to get closer to the love of my life. i don't think it's him that's the problem.
i think the problem is almost entirely my fault. maybe it's ALLL my fault!!!!!!! i'm so excited that i'll be moving out of my house but i'm worried about what i should decide to do in the mean time.

i just remembered this time when he and i were talking about snowboarding and rain and he said something like "if it even rains again" and i said "we still have all of april" and he said WHAT so i guess i shouldn't just tell him ok i'm leaving in a month.
i'll say, alice, my friend i was planning on moving in with is moving out of her old apartment in a few weeks, and my mom said she's basically kicking me out around that time too but i don't want to leave you.


and i keep thinking about the time we woke up in my bed and he started talking about how he'd asked his friends to take drinks to the scotch i bought him and he asked me why i bought it. i just wish i could have been more clear with my intentions and said that i gave it to him after grandpa died and i was so sad about it in a horrilbe way but i just said something stupid. i said, because i wanted to do something good. and then hate myself.

i'm so excited!!!!!!!!

wow i can only imagine how much my life will be changing in the next few weeks. i want to find my direction in life. i want communication. someone could be so excited to be with me, but who is it?
i'm going to have to choose between two things that i love very much.
everyone in my life is here for a reason because of what goes on with my day. it hard for me to concentrate on what i should be doing. crazy.


how should i write this?

dear baby,
i know we've only been dating exclusivly for a while but i'm so into you. where do you think things are going with us???

because that's the ∫wrong thing to say

there's been so many times when i've gladly given up the unknown exclusivity of his love. it's just the times when he puts himself at my mercy that move me to ignore my insenitivity. like when his blessed heart comes over too drunk and i take pride in some part of his wellness in the morning. how dear can my love be?
how settled can i strive to be at one certain moment, letting all other moments unsettled and unplanned, and all unoticed.


it could very well be that we have got it all wrong to live in such a way that love begets only the slightest chance at it's best. perhaps it is a folly to not create a plan or a goal of a final destination.
why, who said that disadvantage is disadvantage?
why couldn't it be a lesson to you? and what else could be called a lesson but that which is to be learned. which takes time.
time, i guess is what is spent in order to learn these lessons. time well spent, doesn't it make you want to enjoy every minuite of it?
but seriously, what is being bought in the long run, my love? and what are you spending your time on???

because this is what i've been meaning to ask you: if i could be spending my time with you?
you're going to ask and wonder about what i'll be doing i guess can you really think about another human life like that? like it's your own, in another form? can you really


ohhhhhhhhhh, something to remember: it's just one style, getting ready to be taken on by the latest and pushed into the past.

you could live with

since this is the longest lasting journal that i 've managed to keep up , i've had to document.

today my mom told me dan would be moving in here in about a month. my life has just become a total blankness that i've felt coming but never loving, never holding. never holding myself.

now that i think of it i should be buying a gun.

no one else could have told me to fuck this life and never rely on my mom, except myself since i'm the only one who knew everything. how could i? how could i ever think someone was waiting to protect me when my only aliance is her.