it's getting late

but i guess i should be a little more literate.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm ever going to be able to get closer to the love of my life. i don't think it's him that's the problem.
i think the problem is almost entirely my fault. maybe it's ALLL my fault!!!!!!! i'm so excited that i'll be moving out of my house but i'm worried about what i should decide to do in the mean time.

i just remembered this time when he and i were talking about snowboarding and rain and he said something like "if it even rains again" and i said "we still have all of april" and he said WHAT so i guess i shouldn't just tell him ok i'm leaving in a month.
i'll say, alice, my friend i was planning on moving in with is moving out of her old apartment in a few weeks, and my mom said she's basically kicking me out around that time too but i don't want to leave you.


and i keep thinking about the time we woke up in my bed and he started talking about how he'd asked his friends to take drinks to the scotch i bought him and he asked me why i bought it. i just wish i could have been more clear with my intentions and said that i gave it to him after grandpa died and i was so sad about it in a horrilbe way but i just said something stupid. i said, because i wanted to do something good. and then hate myself.

i'm so excited!!!!!!!!

wow i can only imagine how much my life will be changing in the next few weeks. i want to find my direction in life. i want communication. someone could be so excited to be with me, but who is it?
i'm going to have to choose between two things that i love very much.
everyone in my life is here for a reason because of what goes on with my day. it hard for me to concentrate on what i should be doing. crazy.


how should i write this?

dear baby,
i know we've only been dating exclusivly for a while but i'm so into you. where do you think things are going with us???

because that's the ∫wrong thing to say

there's been so many times when i've gladly given up the unknown exclusivity of his love. it's just the times when he puts himself at my mercy that move me to ignore my insenitivity. like when his blessed heart comes over too drunk and i take pride in some part of his wellness in the morning. how dear can my love be?
how settled can i strive to be at one certain moment, letting all other moments unsettled and unplanned, and all unoticed.


it could very well be that we have got it all wrong to live in such a way that love begets only the slightest chance at it's best. perhaps it is a folly to not create a plan or a goal of a final destination.
why, who said that disadvantage is disadvantage?
why couldn't it be a lesson to you? and what else could be called a lesson but that which is to be learned. which takes time.
time, i guess is what is spent in order to learn these lessons. time well spent, doesn't it make you want to enjoy every minuite of it?
but seriously, what is being bought in the long run, my love? and what are you spending your time on???

because this is what i've been meaning to ask you: if i could be spending my time with you?
you're going to ask and wonder about what i'll be doing i guess can you really think about another human life like that? like it's your own, in another form? can you really


ohhhhhhhhhh, something to remember: it's just one style, getting ready to be taken on by the latest and pushed into the past.

you could live with

since this is the longest lasting journal that i 've managed to keep up , i've had to document.

today my mom told me dan would be moving in here in about a month. my life has just become a total blankness that i've felt coming but never loving, never holding. never holding myself.

now that i think of it i should be buying a gun.

no one else could have told me to fuck this life and never rely on my mom, except myself since i'm the only one who knew everything. how could i? how could i ever think someone was waiting to protect me when my only aliance is her.