i heard a party going on outside in the clubhouse. it's almost every weekend i'm confronted by the idea of my wedding. what it's going to be like. who will be there. and i feel apathetic. and i know tlm does too. he does. he doesn't have any plans for anything soon. why would he. cause i don't. what's a wedding all about anyway because the few i've been to don't make any sense. nothing ever seems to work out. especially not my mom's.
she's been married three times. the first time was for about three years. just long enough to have my brother and i and that has to be the worst. what happened to me and my brother and my dad was horrible. the second time was to the person i still call my step dad. she had a few boyfriends before she married him but they met when i was 10 and my mom moved into an apartment and slowly divorced him when i moved to college. it was horrible because i lost my step brother and sister in the deal. my family is no longer my family. i hated moving into a stranger's house when i was little but after so many years i didn't want to be divorced from my siblings. that's what happened. i think my mom broke my step dad's heart in a way. i know he wasn't perfect but i saw him cry about losing her. that's something she never did, only when she wanted someone to feel sorry for her would she cry. other than that she was tough.
she married my new step dad who came with a new brother and sister but they are both older than me. i can't just start acting like they can be my new family all of a sudden. my mom thinks it's no big deal and i should do it for her. she's willing to be semi nice to me if i can grin and bear it through christmas and her birthday. but i didn't make it.
i guess that's when things started getting bad between us. it took a long time for me to actually accept my new place in the world since i always planned on having my family. meanwhile, my mom is busy making a new family. she asked me why i didn't come over to her house for events and i said sorry but i just can't face this new reality and i would rather have christmas at home with my boyfriend than go over to her house and hang out with people who have hurt me and don't really like me at all. they must be going on at least 5 years together and they are married and i've accepted their relationship in the past but the disappointment of her never owning up to her actions has finally taken it's toll on me.
from all the school nights i didn't get enough sleep because my mom was drunk fighting me i have problems. i can't seem to be normal in any way. i don't look normal i don't act normal i don't feel normal. and i know a lot of people would say there is no normal but i would say then you don't know what i mean, this doesn't apply to you don't even read this. but i for one do understand. there's something that started when i was even in first and second grade that set me apart in the classroom. i was on the other side. and so was tlm. so were a lot of people. but most of those people aren't tarnished and they grow up to cross the line over to the other side. but me i'm still here. and i don't even know if tlm is with me because most of the time i feel all alone. in despair. so that's what is going on. day after day. and i come up with memories of why i should feel this way and why it makes sense. like how my mom doesn't actually care about me.
she could care in a way but no in a substantial way. and that matters. not in a way that still sets me apart from everyone else. her love shouldn't make me feel more alone. it shouldn't but that's what it does to me. because even in the biggest most happiest least memorable moments it feels like it's fake. and she has ulterior motives. it can't be denied. and there's our history. i've learned something from all this. once you hurt someone so badly it can't be healed, it really can't be healed and you'll have to live with seeing the pain on your victim's face forever. that's what my mom has to deal with when she looks at me and it started when i was two and it's lasted until now for me to say, "fine, if you can't stand to look at what you've done with me and our relationship, i don't want to have to patch it together by myself anymore" and that did put an end to it.
i don't know if it's going to be the end. in a way i hope so. very often i hope so. but i still have the softer side of me. the side she someone thinks is a result of her and therefore should be easy to manipulate, might give in. i don't know.
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