i felt better after writing that yesterday. about my past. it helps to write it out loud. talking to TLM about everything on my mind when i get home from work helps too. we've been talking about my life for the past hour and a half. i wish i could be there more for him. like he is for me. i'm so different from him in that way. i'm selfish compared to him maybe because of our age difference. but he's there for me. so much in a way i can't be for him. that's how it's feeling right now. but it really could be my self hatred getting to me again. 

when i found out who dude person actually was i wanted justice. and i never got that because my mom was constantly drunk. she didn't care about anything but making me her enemy. now that's i've been to a bar myself i have seen how drunk people act and some of the people i've seen acted exactly like my mom. she wanted to fight me and stare me down all the time like in a bar fight. it was crazy. i wasn't even safe in my room the more time i spent in my room the worse she got. she was convinced i was hiding something. she began asking me, no she was confronting me about being on drugs like meth all the time. multiple times per day. and she would do things like burst into my room in the middle of the night to look for people in my room and see if i was doing drugs. it sounds like she was doing drugs herself but she was definitely drunk. i know because i saw all the whiskey and vodka consumed. she just hated me and wanted to fight me all the time. it was crazy i'm telling you. so i started to not be able to take it anymore. i really had enough. i was isolated from my friends from being grounded for three months and i didn't have a relationship with my dad at that time for reasons i don't want to get into right now. but this one night, it was the friday night before the first monday of 9th grade, high school and i needed her to just stop running into my room and jumping on my trying to pull my hair and hit me in the head. i needed to have her love. i was so desperate. i just went into her room and said i felt so sad i really felt like killing myself and she said to me, "why don't you go ahead and do it". so i took a whole bottle of aspirin. it was an unopened bottle. she must have realized what she said because i heard her running down the stairs and into my room where i was laying on my bed with my arms folded like i was dead. i wrote a down from a page in a diary that i have never found and stuffed it in the empty bottle. it said my mom should get manslaughter for not helping me when i asked her for help about killing myself. i don't remember if it said she told me to do it. it should have. because i wouldn't have taken that bottle if she didn't tell me to. she called poison control on the phone and they told her to take me to the emergency room. i was already feeling woozy. i remember taking charcoal. i remember hearing that the ball of aspirin was too big to come out of my throat. so i stayed there until sunday night. i remember my brother, dude person, coming to see my on sunday and her was crying. he shook me because i couldn't wake up for all those days. i don't remember anything but him waking me up and my dad crying sitting on a chair in front of my bed in the emergency room before i went to sleep. i was so week when i came home. it was about nine at night and it was bedtime even though i had been asleep for the whole weekend. my mom never talked to me about it. she just took my to the first day of school the next day. it was horrible. i still had big holes in my arms from the iv and they hurt. no one talked to me about it. after not seeing my friends for the whole summer, a new school and being a freshmen just was too much to hold us together and i ended up not having any of the same friends from middle school. on the first day in the morning i found my best friend. i hadn't seen her in so long and i told her bluntly i tried committing suicide and she didn't know what to say i guess so she didn't say much and i didn't get any healing from her. but what did i expect. she was only 14 just like me and she had no idea the pain i had in my life. God is the only one that can help me.