trying to do what i'm supposed to

i guess what makes me the most scared is me doing fucked up shit. i feel the most insecure. sometimes my brain is just crazy. i'm starting to lose my mind a little bit. my thoughts scare me when i think back on them. i just look stupid. it's like i'm given a chance and i somehow fuck it up. i'm aware of how hectic life is. latley i've been trying to run away from things that mean a lot to me. that should mean a lot to me. sometimes i feel some shaking. at least i have a chance. i'm not an activist like i want to be, instead i somehow fill my life with quick fixes and i don't stick my arm out to get something i want. what kind of look to i have on my face? what do i look like? it seems like i look like a fool. it seems like i really push people away from me except a few. at least from my point of view: larry, but is it true?
i guess the reason why i like the bar is because i allow myself to open up to people more than i usually would for a brief period of time. no strings. until i give someone my phone number and then they want to hang out with me. to get laid. maybe not. maybe they really like me but i know they were at the bars for the same reason as me. i'm hungry.
i get into trouble.
when we were little we were proud of how crazy we were and now most people i know try to cover it up. i think that's what american beauty is about.
i guess i actually am sticking my neck out for something i want. i'm trying to at least. i just have expectations that can't really be met. i do things for people that i would appriciate. i probably get these things all the time but take them for granted. for example, i'm crazy and i went out of my way to meet up with brad so that i could make sure he had something to eat. that seemed like the easiest way for me to express myself. i guess evan calling me tonight was the easiest way for him to express himself. and steve and larry. i feel so alone because i make it that way. because i do some fucked up shit, like not think and keep talking or walking or stalking, and then i suffer the consequences.
in the morning when i first wake up i have a rush of emotion mostly fear and remorse and i start to pray without even thinking about doing it first. my real prayers are cries for help. i don't think i can ever ask anyone except god.